Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My Medical adventures

I just realized it has been a long time since I blogged. These past several months have been difficult for me. I found myself on a hard and arduous path, full of briers and goblins. Well, as much as I wanted to focus on the IAGuild, more and more of attention was drawn to my health. In 2008 I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, and after a hard year of surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, I was declared in remission. In December of 2009, I started feeling bad, bad to the point it couldn't be ignored or written off as something else. Sure enough I had a recurrence.

So, after a total resistance (that is a personal resistance) to more chemotherapy, I had to relent in March and do it yet again. 6 months later I was told it is still there, smaller but still there, and a new round of chemo began. This time with 2 agents. I wasn't as sad as I had though I would be if this was the news. I didn't expect it, but there it was. What now? 3 more months? Ugh! But I found strength and hope within myself. I had a new plan, an alternative plan. Would I do the chemo, yes. But I would do other things as well.

I am going to switch tenses now:)

So here I am with new resolve and intent to help myself heal. I start seeing a meditation guide and defining my path as a healthy person and a teacher through my experiences. I am feeling good, right, empowered. And .... bam.... so sick! A bowel obstruction. The doctors are worried it is from the chemo, or worse the cancer. Now I am in the hospital giving my intestines a rest, a tube in my nose into my stomach, but it's not working. They determine the blockage needs to be removed surgically, and I am scheduled for the next day. I spike a fever and need to go in immediately. They have to remove a piece of my intestines because it gangrened, but the good news is it is all mechanical. I developed a hernia and it caused the blockage. The doctors are happy it is mechanical, the alternative was bad. Now I have to heal from this before I resume chemo. It's slow and frustrating, but a couple weeks later i start to feel better, and my leg goes out of alignment. So now, as of today, I can't walk without pain. It doesn't want to go back in, and I ask myself why? Why are these things happening? Every time I fell like I am getting ahead... well you know. But I think I know, and I am going to meditate on it before I post this, but I feel as though the universe is telling me I need to stop trying to hide.

It doesn't matter how the outside world sees me. Am I weak, fragile, sick? Does it matter if people see this? I tried to look my best and not let people know what is going on. I wore a wig and used makeup to give the illusion of eye lashes and eyebrows. People didn't know I was sick. I was pale, but other then that? Perhaps they did know, or at least suspected. I accept my path and choose to move forward from here in the light. That sounds hokey I know, but it is how I feel right now. It no longer matters to me if people know, hence the blog. I have been so tired and drained, I didn't have the energy to make myself up before leaving the house. People saw me with my choppy hair and no make up, limping around. So here I am ready to move on, out in the open for the world to see. It is time to heal, beyond my physical body.

I quick update. After I wrote this blog, I got up off the couch and me leg was back in alignment. I walked with soreness, but not pain and I could lift my leg. Is it a coincidence I decided to no longer hide and be in the open about my struggles? Maybe, but then again maybe not:)

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